Today after spending eight and a half hours in an emergency room I overheard a woman as she was being admitted as a patient tell the nurse her birthday "October 21 1929, and I hope to die here tonight."
It was the saddest thing I've ever heard.
I have never heard a voice filled with so much sadness yet heard it so matter of factly how she wished her life would end.
My life may not be perfect but I am so thankful that I have God's love and Will for my life. And I will pray tonight for that woman that she will live and truly understand what I felt at that moment for her. Not because I knew her or what she was going through, but that she is my sister, and my Father loves her more than she can imagine.

I got stuck in the couch today. I'm glad nobody came into the lounge, although I found the situation slightly comical it was also a tad pathetic.

This was a 'secret blog'. I say was because I gave Leslie the url for it, then Nyssa tells me she found it and added me...sneaky Nyssa.
But there was something nice about having a secret blog. I mean I have a journal but with the amount of time I spend online and on my computer this seems to work a little bit better. I used to have blogs that only certain people could read. It was good too, I could get everything I wanted to say out without having to say it which was conveniant. But you know what...if I need to say something I can't just indirectly tell them. This won't be a scavenger hunt for my thoughts.
That said...
I'm moving in a month exactly. I've lived far away from my parents in residence, at camp. I'm not living far away, but my mom said the other day that I could take my bed from home in Oakville. That means when I go home I won't be sleeping in MY bed. I'll sleep in the guest bedroom. It's that step that you go through when you become a guest in your home. When your home becomes your childhood home or your parents house. As great as being able to take my bed is I'm not sure I want to.
There's been so much going on lately and even in the past year it's still hard to catch up with.
Only 4 years ago I was an introverted girl who wrote in her journal, didn't have any friends who were boys, and didn't have any close friends. Then I changed schools and I was different. Maybe more of myself than I had ever been. But this is wierd. It's all new and I probably say this alot but I don't want to grow up. Meanwhile, ever since I was 4 and would wander downstairs at 9pm only to find my parents having fun while I had to sleep I wished to be grown up. Now it's 1:22AM I'm tired, I want to go to bed.
I think what I'm struggling with right now is my independence. I really don't like depending on people, if you know me well enough you know that. I've learned to trust God. It took me awhile, we're not pretending I'm perfect but I'm pretty ok about it. But I'm going to have to depend on someone soonish, I don't know who or when but I will eventually, and I kinda don't want to. I don't mean like have soeone take care of me I think I mean emotionally but in a sense that may be worse.
I'm probably dreadfully prideful. I know I am, when I gained self confidence I gained alot. I feel like a confidence monster in a sense because after being dependent on one person for it and then being able to be confident on my own it's like I'm that blob that escapes from the lab to wreak havoc on the city.
Except God every now and then has the antidote that turns me back into that decent person who turns themself in to the police.
How's that for a secret blog?

Well...the wierdest thing happened today as I sat rather boredly waiting for youth group to start after we set up all the board games. I sat at the scrabble table and pulled out squares one by one...the order went as follows GOD EASES YOKE...thinking about stuff in my life and reflecting on what the word yoke means; "an agency of oppression, subjection, servitude, etc..."
Leaves me smiling...

It's really gonna be winter.

I realized that when it began to get cold but I went out to take some pictures today and things are dying. Only for things to grow again in the spring. Maybe thats why I'm becoming restless. I need a change, I feel like I'm being shooed into a lifestyle that isn't for me and I need to escape.
I thought about it last week, why am I in school if I hate it so much. Honestly I don't know. And I don't think I'm going back and paying $1000 per class until I am sure.

So what to do with my life...it's a tad confusing sometimes. I was told to do what I"m good at, but in grade 8 graduating from elementary school I watched all of my friends win awards for math, science, english, I had gotten straight A's but no awards. Then the last award came up...the ACE award, it was all mine, why? Because I'm well rounded, I'm competent at a bunch of things but finding my one special talent has been an interesting journey.

There have been a few things along the way I've learned I'm not bad at and love doing like improv or writing or photography. But I'm at school for youth ministry, I love my internship but I don't know if I want to be a youth pastor.

Understanding that tuition at Tyndale is ridiculously priced an for me having to pay for myself I decided to take a semester off for now. Get a job and real work experience and really evaluate what I am supposed to be doing.

Sometimes I feel so pressured just to associate myself with a post secondary school...does it really matter? Does saying I went to Guelph or Tyndale make me smarter? Does it make me a better person? I do agree that education is very important and I plan to be educated but not necessarily in the traditional sense. Maybe I'll go take classes at Second City (pretty much a dream) and/or taking hands on photography courses.

I think some people are probably disappointed that I'm not sticking it out, but to them I'd like to say, thats ok but I'm going to make the decisions that are best for me right now. I'm smart and flexable and I'll land on my feet, and whatever I end up doing I'm gonna love it.

So let's be honest...school sucks, res is confining...you need some time away, so we (Leslie, Jo and I) stole away to good old Niagara Falls!

After driving 3 hours (stuck in traffic for 2) we arrived and found ourselves a wonderful hotel with a "Huuuuge room!" and "A POOL!!!" began preparing for our night out.

Dressing up, doing our hair and makeup and trying to find shoes...so we searched all the way over to the payless and wal mart we saw on our way in to the city...and with success we returned to do some final touch ups and head out...to the CASINO!
We were real "bad-asses" (par example I smoked a popeyes cigarette and Jo pretended her water was alcohol...our version of pre drinking)

We clearly didn't belong...so we left and went to Denny's where the quote "$13 for some eggs...eff that" came about and we headed across the road to Wolfgang Puck's where we happily munched on nicer and cheaper food and I enjoyed my first Chocolatini...for the most part...if there weren't any alcohol in it, it would have been better.

Apres le restaraunt we teetered and whined in our 'grown up shoes' back to the hotel where we escaped our formal wear and put some mud on our face and paint on our nails searching for these "FREE MOVIES" the sign doth promised...(and upon further inspection discovered that the moves were on HBO and Showtime...nooo thanks)
We became famished and sought refuge in a 7Eleven gas station shop where we got everything we ever desired in a midnight snack...except for Leslie who's 'cheese smokie' with nacho cheese didn't sit so well and the lady thought I was crazy because I called myself a monkey. After that we settled ourselves down with some disney and dreamed the night away...when I awoke in the morning it was 8:45 am...and I was the only one awake...for 10 minutes...when Jo awoke she was promptly greeted with "LETS GO SWIMMING!" and Leslie awoke with a lesser enthousiasm.

A half an hour later we were headed down to the pool where we splashed around like mermaids sweat in the sauna and cooked in the Jacuzzi...then on to all you can eat breakfast where we planned the days activities: Piercing my nose, then downtown for some museums, seeing the falls, dinner and back to school. However we strayed from our set out path. We went to the tattoo and piercing place but it was closed for another half an hour so we drove around to see the falls then back...

I opted out of the piercing when the guy appeared with two infected nostrils and we went to the wax museum which was incredible...everything was so realistic it was creepy. I really enjoyed playing rock paper scissors with Dr.Phil, grabbing Brad Pitt's bum, and all around mocking Hitler. Apres la nous voyagerons a le Ripley's Believe it or Not...we found a big chair!

The highlights were watching and making inappropriate gestures at the people in the two way mirror and lying in the trippy tunnel when we couldn't stand any longer. Then...after wandering the street we found our way to the SkyWheel...my idea to ride the giant ferris wheel with special enclosed and heated boxes so that we could see the falls and everything...we could but the ride was not without a panicked first trip to the top from me.

Then was dinner at a reasonably priced and tasty Kelsey's and then we headed home...after heading in a few wrong directions first...and now we are home at Tyndale...and my home will soon be apartment 201!

But oh how I'll miss Canada's version of Vegas...which can be compared to perhaps President's Choice Version of an iPod


These are pictures NOT in chronological order (I selected them as such however I suppose would "spice up" this blog

Somewhere I lost my passion
It was something I wore on my sleeve
When it was gone I was too busy to search
And now I look back and hope it's not too late

And so I think I might take next semester off, work, and if that goes bad then I'll go back to school in the summer...

This is what happens when you're bored...what my name 'means':

M: Makes dating fun.
E: A damn good kisser.
G: Never let people tell you what to do.
H: Have a very good personality and looks.
A: Is wild and crazy.
N: Dead sexy.

heck yesssss

eww I'm feeling so emo...I better go put on some eyeliner

Sometimes I long for an escape, time to just get away. It seemed innocent enough I just wanted a day alone, away from my roomate, my friends, from school...it was like I was grieving but I don't know what I had lost, but I didn't get that time. I was interrupted. And I can't get that time here at school. I am so excited to live in an apartment next semester. I'm excited to get away. I've lost perspective. As I sit here planning a trip to Niagara Falls I'm ______________. I think the trip would be great. I'm spending alot more time on schoolwork lately and I'm just done. I've lost my focus, my drive, and passion...I haven't taken pictures in maybe a week or two. I sit here listening to Leslie play guitar and tears come to my eyes...seriously this brokeness thing is getting old. I want to be happy and I feel like "it's about damn time". My parents and friends are incredible...the real ones I love beyond words. I've become ok with the fact that I may not really ever get married. Nobody may believe me but I'm ok with that. But I can't forget the real happiness that I had when I truly was in love. Being in love again...I guess that guy is Jesus right now though and lately I've been a crappy girlfriend. I'm usually such a good one I've definately been told I'm the best...but who's perfect? I'm a silly romantic girl in an awkward mood...